Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The definition of pissing annoyed....

"The feeling you get when you get in from work, 11 hours after you left, to find that the bathroom sink hot tap is running (cold by now, of course) and so must have been doing so all day."

Basically, I have been paying for the honour of attempting to heat the entire of my town's drains with my hot water tank all day.

Oh. Joy.

If I gritted my teeth any more, they'd fall out.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Too much paperwork


Too much paperwork
Originally uploaded by Brock.

I have so much stuff to do. I put it all off because I was going to go away on holiday. All bits of snotty paperwork and paying bills and filing and the like. I also need to do some sort of spreadsheet to sort out my finances. Been meaning to do that last one for about 10 months.

Now I have come back, I have no excuse, but I still can be no more be arsed to do it than fly in the bloody air...

Boo. Double boo with smelly shoes on that have stepped in dog pooh.

Anyone want to come and do it for me?

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Airport announcements

I was going to try and find proof of this before I blogged it, but get this:

In Tenerife Airport, the departures and other flight announcements were done by a computer with the various phrases pre-recorded and patched together as appropriate. No big deal you may think. But I am convinced that the voice was that of Patrick Stewart!

How cool is that? Being told to get on a plane by Captain Picard! I twigged it fairly quickly (Em refused to believe me at first) so spent an hour listening to all the inflexions and intonations and I am 100% convinced now. Em relented after about a half hour and also is convinced now. Mega.

I'm trying to find some evidence of it, but I still think it is the coolest thing. How sad of me...

Amusing quotes

So. It would appear that I have found my travel companions weak spot - sensible conversation. I provide you with a few quotes...

No, actually. Maybe I should think better of it. The lady in question would rip my throat out if I told you some of the dumb things she said on that week.


Hehehehe.

I need to go and hide now...

The most disgusting bottle of 'champagne' in the world


The most disgusting bottle of 'champagne' in the world
Originally uploaded by Brock.

The most amazingly crap champagne in the world. We tried it, on the basis of 'why not'. Then we found the answer to our question...

It was FOUL!!!

It was the most expensive one in the shop (even if it was 6 Euros!), and we had one sip and it was shite! We even put orange juice into it to try and make it into Bucks Fizz, but it was still completely undrinkable anyway.

Yuck.

So then

I been on Noliday.

Have a look, and go crazy with abusive comments, like I know that you all will do. In your shoes, you know that I would...

Saturday, November 27, 2004

You know when you need to go on holiday when...

As I drove the 80 miles to my mates house for dinner, prior to being taken to the bus station for the ride to the airport, the signs were clear.

We (me and a mate Emma) were going to Tenerife on a fairly last minute decision to get some Sun and some relaxing. We aimed for the hot weather, and I think that both of us were looking forward to it more and more as time went on. I drove from mine with typical English weather for November, if anything a little mild at 10 degrees with a bit of damp. However, as I drove the rain started to fall with a vengeance and the temperature steadily dropped (I have a temp gauge in my car) so that by the time I was at my destination it had fallen to 0. That's right. Freezing.

So then, of course, the rain had turned to snow.

Freaky weather. It was so sudden that as I knocked on Em's parents door I was outside shivering, and there was nearly half an inch of snow on the cars outside! This may not sound a lot, but bear in mind that it was 10 degrees about an hour earlier! Freaky. They were all shocked when I said that it was snowing outside and all had to go and look (in fairness, I do have somewhat of a reputation for winding people up about everything and anything. Hence their sceptisism).

As I had driven the last bit, the weather worsened and I saw 2 separate accidents, several floods of about 6-12 inches deep on dark roads and one road closure from the speed of the temperature drop. Amazing how most people in this country are incapable of reacting to the slightest change in the weather...

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Referrers

After reading Sal's post about referrers, I went and looked at my Invigorate account to see how people get to my blog. Basically, any site that has lead someone to your site leaves a trail. Invigorate lists these for you in a very cool way.

Apparently, one of the ways, and christ knows how someone could have been bored enough to have found this out, but my site is search result 862-odd on Google.be for "whoops"!!! Who the hell looked through 86 pages of Belgian shite before clicking on that link?

Some people are weird.

But even better than THAT!!!11111111 I am the NUMBER 1 search result for eddie izzard quote "red jumper"!

How totally fucking cool is that!

Compared to that, number 5 for teknikal is a dull and easy to overlook oddity.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Badger stuff!


Badger stuff!
Originally uploaded by Brock.

For those of you who were previously unaware...

There's a bit of a badger theme running through my life.

I'm not one of these freaks that dresses up as one, I'd like to add. I just like them, and think that they're cool.

'cos they are. They rock.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Roast Dinner


Roast Dinner
Originally uploaded by Brock.

My meal tonight.

It was really rather lovely, even if there was a bit too much there. I generally don't bother with Yorkshire puddings, as it is impossible for me to compete with my Mum's famous (passed down from my Grandad from generations before him) recipe.

It is, genuinely, to die for. It isn't one of these crap, crispy things that explode when you try and cut them. But the batter-y substantial fellas that make meat a slightly less important constituent of the plate.

No small feat when I am being considered, I assure you. I couldn't be further away from being a vegetarian...

I ended up finishing the bottle of wine, and now am having a night cap, as I am knackered. I'm going to bed now. It may be 10pm, but I don't care, I'm absolutely fucked. Maybe if I'm a bit pissed, I'll actually sleep. Stranger things have happened, I guess...

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Foolish words

It's always a bit of a lottery, a conversation with me. You never really know where you are going to end up.

Siobhan just rang me from town, we are going to meet up for lunch, and she made the error of trying to round off the conversation by saying:

"Okey-kokey, so I'll see you there at ten past two."

I wouldn't let her put the phone down until she had turned around.

"No, no! you said okey-kokey! You have to turn around. It's the law!"

By the time I had finished, I reckon I got her to, in the middle of town remember, turn around probably twice. Standing there giggling with a phone to her ear. I kept telling her that I didn't believe that she had done it (even though it certainly sounded like she had) and she was in fits of giggles when I finally let her go.

See the police were going to arrest her and everything otherwise! It's TRUE I tell you!

New neighbour


New neighbour
Originally uploaded by Brock.

The people that this car owns have just moved into my flats.

It makes me a whole lot happier in some respects, as my car is probably not the first target for vandalism, now. I would probably be just as upset if someone trashed this, though. Well, nearly.

Although it's unlikely to happen here, it is pretty quiet, this sort of thing always occurs to me. I used to live in Bedford, and Newcastle upon Tyne, you know. You have to think about these things. I've had to go and get my girlfriends car from around the corner when it was stolen and left there on bricks before!

And the cupboard was bare.


And the cupboard was bare.
Originally uploaded by Brock.

I think I have probably reached the end of my ability to put off going shopping "just one more day".

Oh well. It's got so bad that I have even had to make a list because there is so much stuff I need I will never remember it all. Well, it's more usual that I get bored of being in the shop before I finish and just leave, actually. But if I have a list, I will try and steel myself to make it through.

Food shopping is so so tedious.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Bad Parking

I don't think it's all that difficult, really. The entrance to our fenced off parking area has a "Private Parking" sign on it. The spaces are numbered. This would imply some sort of ownership, surely? To anyone with enough of a brain to have a driving licence, anyway.

So I arrive back from work on Tuesday at just after six with Dave the MD (Not the old "complete wanker" one, the new "all round top bloke" one) following me back to my flat to drop off my car, as I am going to a pub I know to have dinner with him. He lives 250 miles away, and stays down here in the week and doesn't like eating on his own - he is a sociable sort. I had been going on about this fantastic steak that I had had the previous week and had said I would show him how good the pub was one evening. I arrive to find that some prick had parked in my space. Now I hate this kind of shit at the best of time, but we were hungry and had that 'need steak' thousand yard stare that some of you will be familiar with.

So, without any hesitation, I parked right up to his rear bumper and left my car there. It was only upon reflection as I got into Dave's car to go to the pub, that we started discussing the implications of this. Dave was wetting himself at the idea that I was just going to block this prick into the space and not bat an eye. We then decided that being as we would be gone for about an hour and a half at least, that it might be prudent to leave my number on the car so that the prick in question could call me when he wanted to leave. This seemed reasonable after a moments thought, mainly because the only way that I was going to shift my car before I was good and ready was if he was likely to damage it. I had taken the registration number anyway, of course, so I had that little bit of info in case. I could then assess his character over the phone and allow myself to modify my approach to telling him what I thought of him, if need be.

So. We go off to eat. It did, incidentally turn out to be a fantastic meal, and not an anti-climax after all my waxing lyrical about the fantastic cow-slices they served. Sure enough, as we are just finishing our meals (fortunately for him) my phone rings. It is now about a quarter to eight. I decided to stay matter of fact and calm throughout the call, and pretty much managed it:

Me: "Hello?"

Prick: "Er, hi. My name's Justin. You've left your number on my car to call you, because you are blocking me in".

"No. I left my number because you are parked in my space and stopped me using it."
(I believe in going in gently in these situations, as you can see)

"Yeah, well I need to go now."

"Oh, right. Well...I reckon I might be back in about 15 minutes, maybe 20"

"Yeah, but can you come and move your car now? I need to go."

"No. I'm out for a meal. You should have thought about that before you parked in my space"

"But I was here to see a friend, and I was longer than I thought."

"I don't care, really. Not my problem. You shouldn't have been so inconsiderate as to have parked there at all, never mind for longer than you thought. What made you think that I wouldn't need my space at 6 o'clock - you know, when most people get home from work?"

"Well I wasn't going to be here long when I parked here"

"Any time is too long when it's not your space, pal. You shouldn't be there at all"

"Look, there's no need to get arsey, I'll move as soon as you shift your car"

"Well I think there is every reason to be arsey. I'll be back in about 20 minutes, you can either wait, or call me again then to see if I've had a chance to move my car yet."


Down goes the phone. Dave is in stitches on the other side of the table.

"Not shy of confrontation, are you?"

We get back in slightly less than 20 minutes, to my disappointment, and Prick is sitting in his car in the cold with his girlfriend. Much to my amusement - reckon he'll have got an ear bashing for the inevitable "Don't be daft, no-one will mind" that blokes normally tell their girlfriends when they object to them parking where they shouldn't. I walked straight over to my car and moved it back just enough to let him get out and then parked it properly. I think he may have been seething a bit. Of course, he couldn't show it, as that would have made him lose face in front of his girlfriend, wouldn't it? That would have thrown the "I told you so" gates WIDE open if he'd got pissy about it...

Hehehe. Twat. That'll learn 'im. Hope he was late for something important, and that she denied him sex for a few days for making her sit in the cold.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Profanity in Four Dimensions


Profanity in Four Dimensions
Originally uploaded by Tin Corner.

For those of you who haven't found it yet...

We are so childish, but we just don't care.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Dolphins...

As if killing them 'accidentally' in the Tuna fishing wasn't enough, the Japanese think that this is a good way to hunt them.

I've just finished watching the programme about it. Pretty bloody sickening. Killing animals is a necessary thing, humans are omnivores after all, and it is as natural as anything else that we eat them. But to kill so viciously and in such an inhumane and callous manner and call it for food appalls me. It is irrelevant that Dolphins are 'cute', they are intelligent animals, and deserve to be treated with respect.

I am totally against the entire concept of eating Dolphins, as much as I would be against eating Chimpanzees, Gorilla's or any other intelligent life form (as we understand it), but see that as a personal choice. If someone needs to eat, then they should be able to do that. I don't approve of their choice of food, but to only eat the stupid seems a little unfair in the cold light of day, doesn't it? Surely the more that an animal that you wish to eat could understand that fact, and can feel suffering as you kill it, do you not have a responsibility to attempt to alleviate that suffering as much as possible? The footage of the long drawn out and violent deaths of the Dolphins was massively cut as shown (7pm on a week night), and even so was more than capable of showing sufficient to make me disgusted, upset and abhor the entire process.

I really don't understand any culture that can kill an animal with such disregard as to it's wellbeing. The fishermen at one stage even said that they felt close to the Dolphins. Really? Is that why you herd them into shallow water by panicking them over a period of hours, and then hack them to pieces on a beach after dragging them out with hooks and slings around their tales? Do that to your other friends, family or pets, do you?

I am torn between really angry toward the fishermen, and sad for the Dolphins. I can't decide where my feelings would be worth expressing. The fishermen were not in the least contrite despite some good attempts to educate them as to the sort of animal they were so heartlessly causing so much suffering.

I'll stop now, I could go on about this for hours.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Chuckles

If anyone has five minutes to spare, have a sneaky look at the "Stick Figures in Peril" slide show on flickr.

Made me chuckle a lot.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Bloody blogger

I was ever so tired the other night, after the mishap posted below. I tried to save a shit couple of days and ended up making it worse in the end.

I was about to go to bed, absolutely knackered, having sponged off the sofa for the umpteenth fucking time and decided to blog the snippet of my life in the hope that I would make an amusing little aside for you all. I typed and re-typed the word "Mussel" about 5 times, and couldn't get my tired head around it at all. No matter how I typed it, it looked wrong - my brain refused to compute. So I decided to worry about it later, posted the entry and went to sleep.

All the next day, I tried to go in and rewrite it, and all I got was this:

"Internal Server Error

The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.

Please contact the server administrator, blogger@trakken.com and inform them of the time the error occurred, and anything you might have done that may have caused the error.

More information about this error may be available in the server error log."


Consequently, and most of you will know how much anguish this has caused me, there has been an enormous spelling mistake on my blog for 48 hours and I have been unable to get to it to fix it. This has been gnawing at me to a degree that you can only imagine...

And I have, of course, received an email and a blog post pointing out my cock up. I'm surprised that there has only been two, frankly.

OF COURSE I KNOW!!!1111 I couldn't change the bloody thing because blogger decided to taunt me with it by displaying it, but crashing every time I tried to edit! Bastards!!!

So, thank you Vanessa, and to Zanna for pointing it out. I very much appreciate it. I am now going to stomp off and find someone else's blog to cast my pedant wand over to try and redress the balance in my life.

Fuck, I hate being wrong - especially in such a bloody public manner! I'm going to leave it now, the damage has been done to my reputation already...

:(

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Ouch

Bizarre injury story.

Scene setting:
I have had a shitty week, so decided to spoil myself and buy something nice and easy to eat on the way home from work. I was hit by a huge wave of apathy upon entering the shop and was unable to choose for ages, but eventually managed to settle on a bag of pre-cooked muscles and some nice bread. Yum.

So, I cut the bread, butter it, and put it on a plate. I put the muscles and the sauce into the pan to heat up, deciding that a bowl would be the best serving device to avoid shells falling off the plate and making a mess (ha-fucking-ha. Read on...).

So far so good.

I decide that, as I have managed to make dinner being ready coincide with a programme I wanted to watch coming on, I would eat my dinner on the sofa. I place the plate of bread on the floor, fetch the bottle of wine and glass from the kitchen and put them next to the bread and sit down, placing the bowl of muscles and sauce beside me on the sofa.

So far so good.

It was at this exact point that I was gripped with an odd, half cramp/half itch, spasm at the top rear of my left leg - a kind of violently itchy arse cheek, if you will. I react instinctively as this discomfort grips me, and lean on my right arm to raise myself up to grab my arse and attempt to alleviate this strange sensation. It was at this point that, as the devil farted furiously in my face, the bowl of muscles (and did I mention the hot sauce?) tips over in slow motion and spreads right across the sofa, soaking my arse and my trousers in the process with boiling dinner.

I was, in short, and to put it another way, scalded with hot muscle juice on my bottom. Although I wouldn't care to describe it like that in public again, as I am sure you can understand.

Because my trousers were soaked, I was getting quite badly scalded (I actually just got up and checked in the mirror to see if it had left a mark... No. Really - it hadn't). But also, because the sofa (rented flat, remember) was soaked in juice, I felt I had conflicting actions requiring my attention. So I pulled my trousers down to just above my knees to remove the hot soaked material from contacting my back-end (temporarily dealing with issue 1) and waddled, at surprising speed given my state of partial undress, to the kitchen to fetch a bowl of water and a cloth to try and rescue the sofa (issue 2) from smelling of seafood for the foreseeable future. As I was waddling back and forward with my trousers down, with red and scalded arse hanging out, I did feel rather foolish but praised my foresight in shutting the blinds when I got in this evening...

So, instead of the rather relaxing and gentle evening that I had intended, I have spent it alternately washing down and drying off a sofa. Although I have managed to relieve the tedium inherent in this somewhat by shouting "fuck" and "stupid fucking twat" at the top of my voice at random intervals. Not making me feel a whole lot better at the moment though, I might add. Still, early days. Maybe if I shout it a little louder.

Or perhaps twice as often.

Or both.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Bash.org

For those that don't know if you are able to speak 'Geek' a bit, and can see past the massively techy in-jokes, this site can produce some good Instant Messaging (and the like) quotes...

My favourite today:

#4753 +(6823)- [X]

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?


Hehehe. Some serious classics in there, have a look for yourselves if you are so inclined.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Dull, dull, dull.

I'm sorry about the boring two preceding posts.

But my head is melting as I have done rather boring and functional things all weekend (I cleaned my flat from top to bottom on Sunday, for god's sake!!!1111), and so my head is melting. I wrote them to try and kick my brain into gear a bit.

Guess it didn't work, eh?

Suckola.

:(

Anything for a free meal...

Sunday PM:

*bring - bring*

"Hi. It's Siobain"

"Hello, mate. How's the new flat?"

"Errrr...okkkk. But. Erm...*giggles*"

(deep sense of foreboding) "Yeeessss?"

"Can I buy you dinner? You know, for helping me do all that packing and stuff?"

"Hahaha! Don't fuck about, Siobian, that wasn't worth dinner. I already destroyed a bottle of your expensive wine whilst packing. What do you really want?"

"Weeellll...... My TV doesn't work, it won't get any channels. We have tried for about an hour to get it sorted and we're getting nowhere. I wouldn't ask, really, but I need a TV.

Oh. and I have a bookcase that needs building. Would you mind? You are a bloke and everything...*giggles*"

"Glad you noticed. Now don't take the piss!....Ok. I'll come round now. Oh wait. Where's your damn house, anyway?"

So I turn up to find her and two of her mates in a middle of a big pile of some strangely familiar boxes. Nice flat, actually. I rewire the aerial and decide it is crap - TV mostly fixed after this, but need to go around and wire the aerial into the flat properly when she has bought some connectors and stuff. Built the bookcase (it was this from Ikea - hardly taxing!) and, whilst I was there, built a lamp up (also Ikea but I can't find the link!).

Oh, and for maximum brownie points, fixed the central heating. I was rather smug about that one, actually. Her and her mates (and her Mum - she's staying today) apparently all think that I am a superstar.

I rock.

Anyway. I got the best steak I have had for as long as I can remember by way of recompense. Bloody marvellous. And Siobain got gently pissed on a disgustingly small amount of wine while I ripped the piss about how crap she was at building bookcases.

Ah. Good fun had by all.

I reckon that I have gained enough kudos now to see if I can get her to persuade one of her fit mates to sleep with me at her housewarming party in a few weeks...

Selfless? Me? Of course...

;)

Knight in shining armour

I have been a hero this weekend. This may surprise all but a few of you, as you all know how goddamn great I am most of the time anyway...

My mate Siobain was moving out of her flat (in the same block as mine) on Friday. I met her because she parked next to me in the car park. She meant to and all that, it wasn't as if that was where her car came to a screeching stop or anything. Also, she is (apart from the friends of hers that I have since met) the only person I know in this town.

Anyway, I got a call from her on Thursday night at about half 8, with her sounding mildly hysterical but trying to cover it rather badly. She is a bit mad and zany anyway (she is an art teacher) and tends to giggle a lot, just for background and to give you some sort of mental picture. So, I get a call saying

"Erm. Are you busy?"

"Not really, bit knackered. Am about to hammer into a bottle of wine as a soporific aid. Why?"

"Um. I'm moving out tomorrow and....erm... I kind of haven't really managed to get anything packed. Could you come round and help me?"

"Ok. I just need to get a few things sorted and I will be there"

Very generous of me, I thought. I wandered round and went in to find Siobain looking rather forlorn, more than a little crumpled and gently lapping the lounge of her flat looking hard at all the stuff and at all the boxes and doing precisely fuck all to help her predicament. I came to the conclusion that deeply disorganised people (her flat is a massive mess-fest) really shouldn't leave all their packing until they have only 18 hours to be out of their houses... I started to pack all the crockery at warp speed whilst she wandered around the flat saying

"erm..."

and

"...oh"

At random intervals as she washed one plate here, put a picture frame into a box here, took a cup from me (as it didn't belong to her and I was packing it! It all goes in as far as I am concerned) and generally fuck-arsed about getting all worked up about it. I took to wrapping stuff and shouting at her to concentrate every 30 seconds until I got bored (and a sore throat) and sat her down and made her calm down. I then reasoned that although the van needed to leave the next day, she only need pack the stuff that must go in the van before it arrived, and that she could leave the other stuff till her mates arrived at lunchtime to help her. This seemed to calm her, so I spent the next half hour pointing at stuff for her to pack until she did it, and I think the totalitarian regime technique calmed her.

Anyway, I left at about midnight, and all was a bit calmer. I had persuaded Siobain that perhaps packing all the stuff in 3 layers of bubble wrap, and sealing it into a box with 8 strips of packing tape was perhaps a touch overkill being as the stuff was only going 3 miles to the other side of town...

No. Seriously.

Women. She got it all done though, and even managed to get all her deposit back from the landlady too, so all was well. Aren't I helpful?