Gah...
Unpleasant surprises number 2356:
After getting yourself a Jaffa cake out of the cupboard, you think you spy a piece of chocolate that has dropped onto the kitchen side.
"Ooooh, yummy. Chocolate!" You say.
Only after about a second after you pop it in your mouth do you realise that it was actually a large bit of instant coffee from when you made yourself a cup a moment ago...
You pull some funny faces, I can tell you.
Best of
I have decided that, due to the very up and downy and random nature/subject of my postings, that I am going to attempt (using the power of typing with my elbows and dodgy HTML skills) to put in a "Best of" of 5 or 10 of the funniest/favourite ones in the sidebar - probably above "Archive".
Christ almighty that sounds wanky now I read it back. Maybe I'll call them "most enjoyable" or "least galling that I spent my time reading them" or something, then.
Anyway, feel free to vote/let me know what you all think, either by emailing links, or by commenting on the post itself "vote" or something not very time consuming (so that you can be arsed to do it). I will start collating and try and put them up without crashing the site.
With a bit of luck,
both of you will vote!
Dulcey
Dulcey
Originally uploaded by txkimmers.This was posted with this description:
"This cat has the most wonderful markings, I love the way she looks. But she is so shy...barely ever leaves the cat bed."
Now, I like cats. I miss having cats, and it made me go off on one in a post in the comments. I just re-discovered it, and like it so I am going to reproduce it here for your entertainment:
You need to tell said pussy cat that she is loved so much. They like that.
She will then know the depth of your love for her and follow you everywhere with soft, devoted eyes for the ensuing days. Your every move will have her tiny adoring footsteps padding behind them. Her trust in you will grow exponentially with every kind tone of your voice and gentle rub of her cheek over the following weeks. Her purr will grow and resonate as she considers your lap as being the only place that is worth sleeping.
Her love and devotion will grow right up to the point when you arrive home with some very expensive crystal glasses and she will become frightened by a random (invisible) gust of something as you come through the door. You will be distracted by this, and become off balance as you realise that the only refuge that she considers suitable is directly under the foot that you are microseconds away from transferring your entire weight to.
Panic stricken, you launch the crystal into the air, pull contortions that knock several years off the useful life span of your lower back, but still manage to catch 3 of the hairs of the end of her tail as you are knocked unconcious by falling crystal and the edge of the kitchen work top. With a yowl so viscious that 3 of your teeth nearly explode through hitting their resonant frequencies, the kitten will disappear in a cloud of fluff and indignation.
You are then faced with the task of having to crawl, mildly concussed and bleeding as your knees crunch across shards of expensive glass, under the back of the sofa in abject apology to rescue the kitten as the heavy guilt of destroying all it's faith in you descends like a black cloud.
Hard work, cats. But they ARE so cute...
I like it when I find stuff I've written and it makes me pleased I didn't delete it straight away...
IT support a la Brock stylee
A
Friend of mine has been having issues with Flickr and a very slow page loading speed. So I leapt into the breach and decided to help. I have included an excerpt from the email below in case there should be any others that require my assistance.
I am available for a very modest fee, and have a reasonable lead time. Feel free to contact me with any issues.
I have been seeing the problems that you have with Flickr, and due to the fact that I have seen nothing like the delays that you have (there was about 2 hours or so last night where pages took up to 5 seconds to load, but it's all fixed now) I have decided to investigate.
I have, you will be pleased to know, fixed it and discovered the answer.
Due to the fact that you live 'Oop North', combined with the fact that it is indeed 'grim' up there, the answer was patently obvious to one of my towering intellect.
You are at the wrong end of the country. Simple as that.
Or (as alternatives) it could be one of the following:
1: Due to the fact that you have only just stopped using gas lamps and the like up there, and that electrickery is a 'new thing', you need to check your wiring. It is a simple mistake for people unused to this to wire things up wrongly. Have you, by any chance, checked that you don't have your kettle lead plugged into your modem? Or perhaps an iron? Routing the internet through domestic appliances is a common mistake in the third world, so this potential cause must be eliminated.
2: t'internet has great big bits of data coming through (called packets). These packets can be quite big, so just check that you don't have a chair on your modem lead, or some other such constriction. This can stop the packets getting through. A knot or tight twist can also cause issues, so try and keep the wire as straight as you can. A downhill slope also aids the situation, but can adversely affect your upload speed if too severe.
3: Try a smaller screen. Trying to fill a great big monitor with pixels is also asking a bit much when the data needs to come so far from the civilized world. A smaller screen means less pixels, so requires smaller 'packets' and so less time to fill it. Stands to reason, innit.
4: Move South. Or just move your computer itself south and place it on a large hill. Through a system of fishing rods with pencils on the end and a telescope, you can gain the advantage of having a southern (and hence speedy) connection, but still benefit from the advantages of dirt cheap housing and plentiful coal and ice that are the only reasons for living up North.
5: Make tea while the page loads. This can be good, but protracted web usage may cause kidney disorders through sheer liquid volume being processed.There. That should do it. Form an orderly line, please. That sort of quality help doesn't come around every day, people. Grab the chance while you can.
Slut
Is it a damning statement of my online life that I had to spend a considerable amount of time defending myself in a chat channel today from accusations of being a 'cheap slut'?
Well. I ask you. Really.
As if I could be considered 'cheap'. Well.
After much maligning and underhand shots at my character, I managed to settle on, after considerable wrangling, a compromise.
I am now allowed to be considered a "Cost effective" slut. It was the best that I could do. One has to take the little victories when they arrive, I suppose.
Vertical smile
Ah, but
this made me laugh...
Interweb techno dweeby
I have, to put it mildly, entered the land of overkill.
To allow me to be a lot more mobile when I eventually get off my arse and cruise the world, I have bought a laptop from a friend of mine. Although I managed to get it all wireless enabled and the like today (with the benevolence of Tin Corner's wife, who made him give me the wireless card that he desperately wanted to sell me) it is still only being used as a means to connect iTunes to my Hi-Fi. It chats happily away with my PC and swaps files and stuff, but it sat over there connected to the amp all day today.
So I have effectively just managed to get myself a hideously expensive MP3 player.
Ah well. It looks good doing it. I will get it set up with the rest of the stuff that I want soon, though. Then I can think about packing up this old beast I am typing on now for long term storage and then sell all my old stuff on ebay.
Anyone want to buy a box of old T-shirts, a shit bookshelf and a couple of old Cambridge Hi-Fi amps (you can make a good one out of the pair)?
No?
Hmmm. Maybe I'll sell my body to raise cash instead.
Takers?
Well?
Fuck. This raising money thing could be harder than I thought.
