Hmmm? Isn't it? Banana?

Julio, king of tidiness

Just had a call from Julio. He is really the most random and disorganized person I know (he makes Salpark look like Aston, for those for whom that means something, but they are of an ilk). Imagine someone who is instantly and constantly distracted by things and who lives on their own (and so has no calming voice of reason or focus). He oscillates between being momentarily tidy and then large periods of utterly not tidy. The first time we were at his flat in Newcastle, he warned us that it was "a bit messy".

I have honestly never seen anything like it in my life. It wasn't that it was just messy, it was far further than that. It was actually inconveniently messy. How can someone live like that? 12 inches inside the door was a chandelier style light fitting that had fallen off the ceiling a month before that he had been stepping around ever since - "Oh, I've been meaning to move that". Next to that there was a pile of overnight style bags (about 4 of them) where he had been away for weekends, dropping them just inside the door to sort out later. He obviously never had time, so he just got a different bag next time he needed to go away... Amazing. The rest of the flat was strewn with various clothes, boxes, equipment and other detritus. You couldn't even tell if his office was carpeted, never mind ascertain its colour, there was so much paper on it. He also, and I do not on any way exaggerate here, had the most perfect 'messy kitchen'. Every single cupboard was empty, because the contents was all piled up on the side needing washing. He just washed the nearest pot to the sink when he needed to use them, and just cleared a space to cook in.

Minging. He cleaned the bits he needed to use and all that - with a nod at hygiene - but afterwards just left it all stacked until there was hardly a gap between the plates and the underside of the cupboard. Awesome. In the wrong way, but awesome nonetheless.

He clearly hasn't got much better, although he is trying. Here is a snippet of the phone conversation:

Me: So is your house still a shit-pit since you moved in all those months ago.

Julio: No! I actually did a load of tidying up the other day. I spent six hours washing up all the plates and stuff off the floor in the lounge...

(I crack up laughing at this point)

"What's so funny about that? I was cleaning up, for fucks sake!"

It's just that not only did you have enough dirty shit lying around to need six hours to clean it all up, but it's that this was just the stuff in the lounge!

"Hmmm. When you put it like that it does sound a bit bad. The entire of the floor between the sofa and the TV was full of plates and cups and that. It had even started to spread along the hall toward the kitchen...

(laughing) How do you live like that? It'd piss me off something chronic. Towards the kitchen? It's two yards, you lazy twat!

"I know. It is a bit embarrassing should anyone come round. I'd hate for anyone I know to see it like that, that's why I cleaned it up. I even try and shut the door behind me when delivery blokes come to the door. They give me funny looks if they see it

But it's all clear now?

"Yeah. It's nice being able to do some work sat on the sofa and spread my paperwork out on the floor.

..without getting mouldy food all over it...

(laughing)"...yeah, with yoghurt smears sticking the pages together and furry bits on the corners of the pages.



Honestly. He is an education, if a scary one.

posted by Brock @ Saturday, April 08, 2006