Hmmm? Isn't it? Banana?

Social calculations

I was chatting with Keith (the bloke I have known longest in the world, not including family) and he was moaning and bitching about being skint and not being able to afford to go away for a weekend. I was hurling abuse (lots) at him for not coming down to see me.

K - "But it's too much money! I spent SO much over Christmas, I really am fucked for money"

Me - "Fuck that! Stop being such a poof, and get down here. Everything is cheaper down here anyway."

K- "Not by much though, I'll bet. Guinness is £2.65 here, how much is it down there?"

Me - "No, honestly, it's £2.00 here. That means that, erm, it's 80 miles - so a 160 mile round trip at 30mpg is... £19 of fuel, yeah? You'd be saving 65p a pint, so that means you would only have to have to drink 29 pints of Guinness before you would have spent the same money. Never mind that meals are cheap - £5.75 for two at Wetherspoons, so we'll save there as well."

K - (starting to warm to the idea, but still not sure) "Christ, that's cheap, but fucking hell mate, 29 pints? That's asking a bit much, I'll have Guinn-arse from hell and be shitting my spine out for England even if I didn't kill myself from alcohol poisoning from that much in two nights. I can't drink like I used to, I must be getting old."

Me - (sensing victory) "Ok. As I consider you to be a top bloke, I am prepared to make the sacrifice thus - I will pay for half your fuel!"

K - "Oh, right! That makes it all a bit..."

Me - (interrupting) "So that means that in order to do that, I need to drink half the beers, right? You're not trying to tell me that we won't get through 15 pints each over a weekend. No bother. After all, we'll probably be starting at lunchtime on Saturday, won't we?"

K - (Now hook line and sinker convinced) "Fucking ace! Of course we will! And with the saving on the food, it actually makes a fair bit of sense, doesn't it? " (pauses) "Waaait a minute! I'll see if I can get the Friday off. If I come down on Thursday night we can make a fucking fortune here, cos that'd be a free night, wouldn't it? Quids in! We'll make a mint!"

Me - "Dude, don't lose it on me. You're not exactly going to start making a bloody living like this, are you?"

K- "Aaahhhh Fuck. Don't spoil it for me. I was this close to convincing myself I could give up work and move down there and survive on just drinking full time."

posted by Brock @ Sunday, January 23, 2005