Hmmm? Isn't it? Banana?

Hire cars

Inspired by a post (and a comment) from Da Goldfish.

In my previous career, I spent a lot of time in hire cars and mini buses. I am also a bit of a hooligan when it comes to cars. I used to work in Motor racing, and so any journey in any vehicle often degenerated into being dangerous/mechanically abusive to the point of tears of laughter. At one stage in the late 80's to the early 90's it became almost a competition to see who could hand a hire car back with the most damage. It sadly didn't take long for the various hire companies to suss, and for the team managers to decide that some sort of responsibility should preside, damn them. But for those that have seen the famous "Days of Thunder" hire car scene, it isn't actually that far removed from some of the things I have seen/done/heard about. Although it was usually the mechanics, rather than the drivers, doing the craziness. We had to have some way of letting of steam, you see...

Consequently, I have compiled a list of common hire car practices, so much so that most of them are compulsory upon receipt of the car (I am assuming a manual car for this):

1: Drive away from the rental place flat-chat in first gear until out of sight; make no effort at all to change gear. You must look as relaxed and unconcerned as possible, adopting the driving school position, and shuffling your hands on the wheel accordingly. You can watch them wincing in the rear view mirror, their reflection gently bobbing up and down in time with the car as it bounces off the rev limiter.

2: The needle must be bent against the empty stop of the fuel gauge when returning it. Claim it is broken, and that "You won't get any more fuel in it, honest, I tried". Throw a hissy fit about the "Broken pump" at the nearest garage when inevitably caught out.

3: In moments of boredom I often resort to "exaggerated Learner Driver Mode". This involves such amusing habits as;
3.1: Throw yourself across the car at frequent intervals to check behind you in the mirror.
3.2: Use far too many revs to pull away and slipping the clutch until it smokes. You have to leave enough disengagement though, to allow you to 'pop' the last little bit of clutch travel to get the car to kangaroo up the road till your jaw clacks. Jumping up and down on the throttle (and/or the brake) can help.
3.3: Not only do you resort to shuffling the wheel through your hands (as the fucking idiots teach you to do in the test, despite the fact that it is more dangerous than driving with one hand) you must do it in infinitesimally small movements, so that you have to slide your hands up and down like a frantically masturbating teenager in order to turn the wheel. This will of course mean that you haven't a chance in hell of making any tight corners, but this means that you can stop in the middle of junctions and resort to the ridiculously exaggerated 27-point turn, including the pull away technique in 3.2 You can also use a variation on...
3.3: Make sure you look right down at the floor, as if someone has moved the gear lever since you last used it, every time you change gear. Complete the entire change (slowly and deliberately) whilst staring at the floor, and release the clutch with a bang as you look back up again. For an alternative with added realism, simply run the nearside wheels along the kerb (or just steer left) every time you hold the gear stick.

4: General Hooliganry:
4.1: Handbrake turns (regardless of whether you are driving or not):
Warnings: Technical knowledge - A friend of mine pulled the handbrake on while the race driver was driving the team boss' car. Sadly, he didn't know that in early Subarus, the handbrake works on the front wheels. Instead of the expected amusing pirouette, the car went head first into a church wall and destroyed the front end. Whoops.
Also, don't assume that the owner of the car is any more responsible than you if you are driving. Witnessed by Tin Corner when driving my car back from St Albans one evening in the very wet. I yanked the hand brake on as hard as I could, with a cheery "That'll be all the way on, then". Surprised the shit out of him, I can tell you. He even managed to keep it straight. Fair play, I thought.
Parking with the aid of the handbrake gets extra points if it completes the move. To have to shuffle it in afterwards is frowned upon. Commit or die.
4.2: 'J' turns. Reversing as hard as you can in a straight line, yank the wheel over as hard as you can, select an appropriate forward gear and drop the clutch and drive out of it. Piece of piss manoeuvre in an auto, but needs a bit more skill in a manual.
4.3: Driving into other people's hire cars (usually reserved for people you know, though). It's surprising how hard you can hit a car and not leave a mark when it's bumper to bumper. When queuing to get into the circuits, it is most amusing to drive into the back of the car in front every time you shuffle forward in the queue. Particularly if you know that the cars occupants have hangovers because you were pouring whiskey down their necks until three the previous morning. Picking the wrong car can result in legal action/a good kicking, so caution is advised.
4.4: On the move driver changes: Long journeys need too many stops, so we like to reduce these to fuel stops. Consequently, it should be possible to drop the seat back down, and the passenger keep his foot on the throttle long enough for the driver to slide into the back to be replaced by someone else. An interesting twist on this is for the driver to lie flat on his back for long periods, with the passenger steering as unobtrusively as possible and calling out "Brake!" or "Power" at appropriate intervals. It freaks out people driving past something chronic, although the police in general don't find it funny. Although I can only vouch for Kent Constabulary as definitely being particularly un-amused by it...

5: Various permutations of car surfing. The only pictorial evidence is here:

There are many forms of this, however.

6: "5 to 1". The immortal cry of the True Hire Car Animal. Find a nice straight bit of road, get up to a decent speed (70mph is good). When in fifth gear, grab the lever firmly and jam it into first as hard as you can. You may want to hang on to the wheel quite hard. You may well smell a bit of tyre smoke and hear a couple of bangs. It is also a good idea to be somewhere near the end of the hire period when you do this.

Ah, happy times.

There are many more, and this has brought a few of my many anecdotes to mind, but this is already probably the longest post in all history, so I'll leave it for now.

posted by Brock @ Saturday, May 28, 2005